Do you have dreams? I do… in one period of my time I was looking forward to go to bed, cause I was looking forward to dream. Because there is everything possible.
I have learned there how to fly… I was so scared. Because I was just getting high and lost, but after some dreams I realised I can manage… So I learned how to fly, take control. I visited places I know, flying above them. Like the promenade in my town… I know how lamps look like from the sky. I love dreams, because they can take you to places you have never been to. They can open our mind.
Why everything is possible in our dreams and not in real… When I asked some people, they said, that they don’t dream, or they don’t wan’t to, because dreams are bad…
I think, that dreams are what we are.
I was flying above Africa. I have never been there in real. But I have visited those savannahs, saw so many places… animals, lions fighting, zebras escaping… I have been there… I saw Asia… I took a small boat and a girl was giving me flowers and the water was so green. I remember this. I have been to so many places…
In my dreams. And it was so colourful.
Some people would say, that it is an astral travel… no… it is not… don’t trust them. They are just trying to do it…
This all was just a dreams.
I didn’t write any post for very long time… So now it’s time to get back to my writing. I just looked back through my Facebook page (and thank you dear Facebook for being my public diary since 2008 – good job!)… Read some of my posts, went through some pictures. I know, that Madonna is singing in one song – don’t look back. But It’s Madonna and not me. Actually when I looked back I had to play this song.
Sometimes it is good to see how is my life going – can’t really say – developing, where I was a year ago, two years ago… Especially when things are changing, right now and again, but are they really changing or are they still the same? I keep changing places, jobs, boyfriends… But is it real change? No, I don’t think so… Now I am sitting here waiting for my friend to go out for coffee, going through some job ads on internet – again… So I looked back, what I did last year (surprisingly the same as I am doing this year)… what I did a year ago (oh yes… again… the same). I was just thinking, that this is not very good and I got very pessimistic.
So shall I repeat it when it didn’t work before?… Or what to do? Because I don’t know how to live without any job and income… So I think I have to keep trying… and repeating… and repeating and repeating until i succeed.
Well we say in Czech that practice makes perfect…:) Ok… It’s good to look back… but better to look forward 🙂
So thank you once again my Facebook and my blog for letting me know this, I am on the right path. Coffee time! 🙂
So… how many times did you move from one home to another, from one country to another or simply from place to place? I am counting just mine moves… well… I am trying to count. Just this year… I am counting now… and I have to say, that it is still within one city – Layans – Greens – Marina – Greens – JLT… ok… its May and I have moved already 4times… (not counting Layans, I have stayed there for some months… Not bad at all 🙂 Once, when I was living back in Czech I have moved 9 times per year…
I can’t say, that I like moving, well… it always means leaving something… sometimes it is good, because you want to leave, sometimes it is bad, because you just have to move. I have moved so many times in my life already… That is why I call my life a “Gipsy life”… It is kind of…
Today, when I was moving to another place I have realised, that I have too many things… it means, two big suitcases, one small, two very small boxes and my rollerblades and yoga math… well… it stays in my car always, cause you never know when you need it. But anyway… what we really need… One of those suitcases was closed for two months now… I don’t miss things which were there… I don’t even know what is there. I left New Zealand one and half year ago and my personal things from there are now in Bangkok with my ex-husband. For a year and a half… and its 80kgs… Do I need them again? Do I miss them? For a year and half?
Well yes… there are my Harry Potter books I got from my mother 3 years ago as my best Christmas gift ever… full edition, so I definitely need it. But otherwise…
For people, like I am… traveling, moving a lot, changing places… less you have, better… 🙂 You don’t need anything really…
When you don’t have anything its easier to get all your life (means you) into one airplane and fly!
I just saw the movie “Into the Wild”… was great movie… so I just wanted to write how I feel right now…
I want to be independent and free. I want to be disappeared from this world. I don’t want to have a boyfriend. I don’t want to be married a and have kids. All I want is to be free.
I want to manage my life by myself, I want to do what I feel that I want to do. I want to be completely selfish and completely independent from everything and everyone. I don’t want to use money. I don’t want to listen stupid word of stupid people. I don’t want to watch TV, the fake life. I want to watch the real life. I want to be alone on this world and all I want to feel is harmony and to be connected with nature. All I want is independence. All I want is me being somewhere alone, where nothing exists. Where is just the root all feelings and of all heart beats.
This is how I feel right now. I like being alone, I like being the one who is guiding me. I like being only with my feelings. I can’t give myself to anyone at any time. Because then I am not happy. Then I am jailed in chains and they are so heavy and dragging me down and deep…
I don’t feel being depressed anymore… no way. I feel being free. And happy and I want to keep this feeling for ever. I cannot be with a man and I cannot have kids. It would be too much for me… too much loss of my freedom. I want to love, but then I want to go… when love is finished, I just want to go and be left alone. I need to search. But I don’t know for what. just search what life is, what places are like. I want to see and learn and feel.
Because only when I am alone I can feel… everything….
How to begin… I don’t know… my blog wont be about depression anymore, because I am out of it. I really don’t know, what happened and when exactly, but I don’t feel being in depression now. And what more… I don’t remember how I felt when I was there. I just don’t remember.
Friend of mine told me her story when she was giving a birth to her child, she said, that the pain was so unbelievable that she forgot about it… its a protection… when we experience the pain, we forget about it. So we can give a birth to another baby… That’s depression about. It is such a pain that when you are out of it… you don’t know how was it when you were there. I have this experience. I don’t shake anymore, I don’t feel being down, I don’t feel that things are going wrong and I don’t think life is difficult anymore…
I feel like this after more than two years, such a relief… honestly… I can say that. Not sure, that I am happy, but suddenly I am enjoying life. Suddenly I can go out and feel comfortable with people. I again feel that I want to take my camera and go out just for pictures, just because I want to. I can dance just to enjoy dancing, not to use it as a tool how to escape.
I don’t know what was dragging me down so much. But, after I got divorced I started feeling better. I am free now. Freedom always meant to me a lot. Independency always meant to me a lot. I am free now, I am independent now and I am satisfied now.
Now I am sitting on a balcony just trying to finish my blog post and I don’t know how. Maybe I don’t have nothing to tell anymore.
Lets go to sleep. Anyway, thank you for reading my blog. To write this blog helped me a lot. I have learned a lot about myself.
I am not a patient person, this is what’s causing lots of my bad moods, the lack of patience. Then I see only negative things, problems I have to deal with and not enjoying the life at all, cause I am pushing myself to solve things I can’t really solve. Not now. The only thing which can solve them is time… Like a tree needs time to grow, I needed time. Sometimes it can take years, yes, it can. Like when you get pregnant you have to carry the baby for long nine months and wait…
I always wish things to happen now, right now… not able to wait. They will happen, one day. How I realised this week.
This week, I got divorced after very long time. I can’t really tell how much better I feel because of that. It was one thing, I had on my mind very often and it was affecting me more than I thought. I was always thinking about how to be with somebody else, when I am still married, it just felt wrong. You shouldn’t start new relationship when the old one is not solved yet, right? Well… maybe you can, maybe somebody can. I couldn’t, it just was not working for me. But now I feel being free and ready to start something… again. Good thing.
And I started to feel so much better, doing things again, enjoying life again, being social and when I meet a man I can say – yes I am free, divorced, single – available. It feels right.
The only thing which was really needed was time… but I was not able to wait and caused so many problems to so many people including myself. My inner feeling was saying, that its not right, that I should wait, but I was not listening. Hope I will be better now with other things I know they need to come as well.
Because I have got time…
K. H. Macha – May
Late evening, on the first of May—
The twilit May—the time of love.
Meltingly called the turtle-dove,
Where rich and sweet pinewoods lay.
Whispered of love the mosses frail,
The flowering tree as sweetly lied,
The rose’s fragrant sigh replied
To love-songs of the nightingale.
In shadowy woods the burnished lake
Darkly complained a secret pain,
By circling shores embraced again;
And heaven’s clear sun leaned down to take
A road astray in azure deeps,
Like burning tears the lover weeps.
Well… I had to post this… its the first of May… today… this poem was written by Czech writer K. H. Macha. And I love this poem… I does not sound so great in english as in czech. But I just love it. When I was 18 I was getting ready for my graduation exams. The school always announce 50 questions from each subject you graduating half a year in advance so students can get ready and when you graduating you always pull just one from each subject from a bag. So when they announced the questions from czech language I told everyone that when I am going to graduate I will get the question 5, which was czech romanticism and K. H. Macha… And what a wonder! half a year later, when I was standing in front of my teacher and pulling a number with question from a bag I was not surprised that I got number 5. Yes… I did… It seems so unbelievable today, but yes. It really happened. So simple. I just knew it.
But there is another story related to this poem and to this date. In Czech Republic every couple on the first of May goes out. And the boy kisses his loved one under the tree in the blossom. You can see them everywhere. This is the date when we celebrate the lovers day. And its so important to everyone… No Valentines day… but the first of May. Every girl wants to be kissed and every boy does it. So we stay in blossom for the rest of the year… We go out to parks and we kiss. Its such a great day. And I got kissed so many times… Today I miss my country. And I miss you…
I wont be kissed today. well… first of all… I dont have anyone to kiss me and second… there are no trees in blossom in Dubai 🙂
I will be a bit sad today… like last year… but its still not end of the day 🙂 is it?
Byl pozdní večer – první máj –
večerní máj – byl lásky čas.
Hrdliččin zval ku lásce hlas,
kde borový zaváněl háj.
O lásce šeptal tichý mech;
květoucí strom lhal lásky žel,
svou lásku slavík růži pěl,
růžinu jevil vonný vzdech.
Jezero hladké v křovích stinných
zvučelo temně tajný bol,
břeh je objímal kol a kol;
a slunce jasná světů jiných
bloudila blankytnými pásky,
planoucí tam co slzy lásky.